Relationship Advice: Make Your Love Last Without Regret

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So, what got you into this?

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You're matchmaking now, right?

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So, yes, I, my cousin, who's my very, very best friend, and um, she's an amazing licensed clinical psychotherapist.

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And I had been retired for almost three years out of hospice and palliative care.

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I worked in hospice and palliative care for 20 years and um just spent a couple years doing self-care and mentoring and getting back all that life that I didn't have while I was grinding 24 hours a day.

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And she came to me with this idea to do clinical matchmaking based off of core values, belief systems, personality traits, the big five model, and not the superficial crap that goes on.

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And I said, Marnie, if you can actually build that program, I will help you build the business.

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And that's exactly what we did.

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And it's been amazing.

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So is it like a written test or an like an interview?

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Like, how do you build those uh the numbers or whatever it is, the statistics behind like what you think will work?

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Total culmination, but it is science-backed because Marnie's got her brain.

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So even though she is working in the capacity right now as a matchmaker and a coach for liability reasons, she's still a licensed clinical psychotherapist.

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So she is constantly doing uh screenings for addiction, for emotional regularity, for personality disorders.

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Now it doesn't mean that we don't work with flawed people.

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Everybody's got a flaw.

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Yeah, yeah.

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But you've got to match it up and you have to know what it is.

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Yeah.

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And so that's where it, that's where it gets really, really fun.

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So she has created this amazing program to where we're very selective with what who we work with, not in the fact that's typical of like looks or money or things like that, but people who just really want a long-term sustaining relationship and not a dating service.

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Like we're not a dating service, we're not madams, we don't want to deal with that crap.

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You know, 65-year-old guy comes to us, I don't care what they want to pay, and they say, Yeah, we we date 20-year-olds.

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Well, that's bullshit.

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Go on down the road.

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There's plenty of websites for you.

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But um you want to find a long-term sustaining relationship, and maybe that is with a 25-year-old.

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Yeah, we can talk about that when we talk about age and biological age.

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There's so many different factors with that.

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But if that's what you're looking for, you're just looking to fill a hole.

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What are you usually seeing with like, you know, are you is age not even a factor that is looked at, or are you are they you know what's usually generally attracted to people at like what age difference?

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Yes.

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So most people like to have about a 10 10 year spread, where as we get older and older, it truthfully does make sense.

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But here's where the key comes in.

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Are we filming?

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Yeah, we just go.

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Oh, we just go, okay.

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I was like, wait, am I supposed to save something?

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Okay, sorry.

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Okay, I'll pause and I'll go.

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No, no, we just we just go that.

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Oh, okay.

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Yeah.

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There you go.

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And we don't we don't even we don't even watch it again, so it doesn't matter.

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No, I don't ever watch either anything I film.

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I'm like, don't even yeah, as long as we keep on calling it, they're like, hey, I heard this.

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I like this, or like or business manager's like, you guys can't air this.

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We told the people to take all these off.

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I was like, uh no, I think they should all go.

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It's like, have you listened to it?

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I was like, no.

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We thought it was good.

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We were there.

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I mean we were there.

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Yeah, uh, that's interesting.

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Now we free flow and like perfect almost like the Joe Rogan thing.

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Yeah, we just yeah, okay, we just gotta start so so age.

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So when somebody comes into us and they want to talk about age, so it is a factor, especially when you're screening, right?

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Because we've got to start somewhere, yeah.

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But there's so many things to consider.

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So, first of all, let's talk a while about people who have a hard time dating anyway.

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Yeah, and everybody has a hard time dating.

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I mean, you both are married now?

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Yes, would either one of you want to be single in this?

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Okay, I was just thinking about it even without knowing about doing this podcast.

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Like, I don't know.

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Like, I I think it was even Sunday or like a couple days ago, I I went to the ice cream store and I'm like just hearing these awkward talks between two people, and like there were two different groups like dating, and I was like, I was like, Oh, thank god.

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Um I think I think it's as you age, because like you're always told uh the grass is always greener on the other side.

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I've gotten to a point where I'm like, no, it the the grass is greener on this side.

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I there's no way, like, I'm gonna go to like Tocomadeira.

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I just want to plant more I just want to plant more seeds.

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You're certainly not gonna go there and find that there.

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I want to plant more seeds on this grass than go somewhere else.

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You're not gonna find the perfect person.

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We're not gonna find you the perfect person.

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We're gonna find you the person that annoys you the least.

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Because the fact of the matter is that's what what it is.

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And so here's here's where people have problems is that most of them aren't self-aware.

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Yeah.

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And that doesn't necessarily change with age, it morphs with age because you get comfortable in, well, I've been this way for so long, so this is just how I'm gonna be.

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And there's an element of truth to that, but it's not completely factual.

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So people aren't self-aware.

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So, first of all, you've got these people who come in and we'll go, we could go gender either way.

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Yeah.

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But let's say we've got this, you know, 65-year-old guy who plays pickleball, who golfs, or whatever, and he's like, look it, 60-year-old women can't keep up with me.

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I gotta date a 45-year-old.

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I I mean, I just have to.

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Okay, so there's a way to kind of break that down because there's biological age, there's physical age, there's emotional intelligence age, there's lifestyle age, there's life experience age.

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So when we're considering age, it's not just that number.

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Because I can tell you something.

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There are some 60-year-old women that are hot as heck and can run circles around 45-year-old men.

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So let's not start.

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Especially on the pickleball coat.

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Especially on the pickleball, and they're fierce.

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We meet it, we meet a lot of them because we're in plastics and they're coming to us and they want to look like they're 40 because they have boyfriends that are in their 20s and 30s.

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Yeah, well, I will tell you, it is the evolution.

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I am digging the cougar evolution.

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I mean, I actually, when I was single, after I left hospice and um I left a 15-year relationship.

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And so I did the whole Tinder thing.

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I was, I was like, yeah, let's just have some fun and whatever it is.

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Until you a couple times.

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No matter, yeah, no matter what parameters I put on there, I kept getting these young guys.

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And there was one that I just befriended and we would message back and forth.

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And I said, tell me this, what are these young guys doing with a you know, late 40?

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What do you want there?

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And he's like, Well, y'all don't need your house fixed, y'all don't need me to pay for your car, you don't want to have kids, and you don't want to get married, you just want to have sex.

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And I'm like, it's brilliant.

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It's brilliant.

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Now I totally get it, right?

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A lot of sense.

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Um that's not what we do with the matchmaking company, but that's where you get it in different things.

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I mean, that's what you're doing in your 20s, then you need a matchmaker in your 30s.

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That's what happens.

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Can I tell you what one unrel kind of semi-related story because you said like emotional intelligence?

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Yes.

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I was in my uh second year of like surgery residency, and they're running this pilot study on uh a test.

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And we we've been tested with written tests the whole way through med school training, getting board certified, and they they gave this test for emotional intelligence, and like my program director had to pull me in, was like, hey, it's like this like experimental stage, so I don't know what to make of the results, but I think I have to talk to you about this.

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Like just talking to it.

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It's like you scored in the first percentile, so like the bottom one percent of this.

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And I was like, I I kind of like look back and understood why, because I was like my initial reaction was like, what the fuck?

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I actually tried, and it was like, oh goodness, that's not what you're supposed to do.

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Like, I was like, I tried to answer the questions the way they wanted me to answer it.

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I was like, There you go, I'm I'm I'm emotionally retarded, and I was I I was I was so pissed off.

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I went back and told Sarah, I was like, you won't believe it.

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They made us take this like two, three hour test, and they told me I'm in the first percentile, and I was just pissed off because I scored poorly in like high school and stuff, but when I came to med school, I was always like like a high performer.

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And this was the first test, even in training, that like I didn't score well on.

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Not to mention not well on, like everything's like 80th, 90th percentile.

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This was first percentile, it was way out of whack.

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And I told her, I was like, I can't believe this.

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They have this test, this test gotta be bullshit, and I can't believe I scored so poorly.

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She's like, She looks at me, she's like, I would have given you first percentile on emotional intelligence too.

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I was like, oh, I guess I guess you're gonna be great at everything, you can't be great at everything, but that makes perfect sense, but that's okay, and maybe it just wasn't important to you before, like, right?

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The studies and the other things were so like especially like there's a difference when you have kids.

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Like when my daughter was born, I was just like, like, I was just watching a movie, and I'm like feeling like sad and stuff, and just like this feels awkward.

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What am I feeling?

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Oh, that's emotions.

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That's what I'm feeling.

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Like, I I did that repeatedly.

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It's like, oh, emotions are getting to me.

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Inside out, yeah, it's hadn't come out in your head.

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Oh, and they had inside out.

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Inside out nails it, by the way.

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Yeah, I think.

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I was a psych major in undergrad.

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Okay, and I think they both movies they've done a bang out job with that.

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But either way, like just movies I wouldn't expect to have an emotional response to.

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I started being like, oh my god, this is like I need a box of tissue paper.

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Right.

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But see, that's where you found so Sarah is your partner?

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My wife.

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Your wife.

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So that's so she knew it and she embraced it.

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That's the difference, right?

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Like, she's like, Yeah, I agree with that test score.

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I already knew that.

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I'm okay with it.

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This is where we talk about self-awareness or awareness of partner, right?

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Like, we say now, if you don't do something, don't say that you do.

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So, you know, these these men will be like, oh yeah, you know, I I go work out every day, and these women are like, yeah, I cook these beautiful meals.

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Don't bullshit.

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Don't say it if that's not what you're gonna do because it's gonna well for it's gonna fall apart at some point.

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It doesn't speak to you.

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So you know what?

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I mean, uh, I don't like concerts.

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Ugh, shoot me.

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I don't like concerts.

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Don't ask me to go at a concert.

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I'm not gonna do it.

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I'm also not a sports girl.

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There's so many girls who really, really are.

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Now, is that important to you to be my partner that I have to like sports, or is it important to you that I respect that you do and that I will not inhibit you?

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And I will go have brunch with my girlfriends every Sunday during football season.

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Or you'll support it.

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Like once in a while, you'll just, you know, yeah, let's host the party.

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So when I was in my dating phase, it was actually like I wanted someone that didn't want to do what I wanted to do.

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Okay because it seemed like they kind of like it's like they were almost too into me and like wanted to do make everything right.

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What do you mean to me?

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Do you feel like she's the opposite of you and partially very similar?

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Somewhat, yeah.

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I think so.

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I think she's very well very driven.

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So like we have that, but like she's not into sports at all or anything like that.

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Um, she's not into like most of the stuff I'm into, and emotional intelligence.

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Yeah, I like I think in our house we grew up.

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Our family's like our families, like no emotional intelligence.

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Like looking back on that, like 10 years later, 12 years later, I'm like, I actually understand it.

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And the funny part is like I was actually answering it, trying to be better than who I am, and I reached first percentile.

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Yeah, I shut down, so it like I'm like, I'm gonna make it worse.

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So let me just shut down so I don't make it worse.

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I I was the most emotional growing up in the family.

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I cried all the time.

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And when we moved to the US, we moved in with my uncle, and he he was just fresh out of college, but he would just like kind of like badger you to the point where like you don't your your defensive instincts is to not show intelligence.

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So I went from like crying all the time about everything a little too much to oh, I'm I'm not, I'm not that I'm not even tapping into that, I'm not even getting into that side.

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Which which kind of called like a PowerPoint for a surgeon, like this is actually a strength point because you don't want anybody to get emotional when things get out of hand.

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Nope.

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Something gets like, okay, this person didn't bring this instrument in time or knows what that instrument's called.

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It's like that's actually like it it helped out in surgery.

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So yeah, especially when we're in like the trauma bay, and one of my attendings was like, I thought you didn't know what the fuck you were doing, but then she's like, I realized like, no, you were there calling all the shots, yeah.

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You know, just calmly.

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Like so at the end of that discussion with that program director with my low emotional intelligence.

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I was like, but I I think uh if these numbers are correct, this makes me a better surgeon.

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He's like, I think so too.

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I don't know what to do.

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I think you know, like this kind of brings me back.

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It's almost like we're having like, you know, a ketamine trip or something bringing back like I I think the switch for us was like we came from like war-torn country, like it was during the Iran Rock war.

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We moved here, and like people called us terrorists, and like we didn't fit in.

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My parent, my mom would dress us in stuff that was more European, and people thought, like, you know, you couldn't wear pink as a guy those days.

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And they had barbecues for the first year.

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Yeah.

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Well, they weren't barbie shoes, they were just they had pink outlining on them, and like people just and like you you just shut down, you're like, I can't show any emotions or anything.

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And I think it was just like kind of tough getting used to it and kind of blending in with the people here that made it made it really hard.

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I think that's that makes sense.

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That's why we c I I think that's kids are assholes where we came to the house.

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But there's there's childhood things that you bring into life, yeah, but this also leads into something else is culture.

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Yeah, right?

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And and um interculture dating and relationships.

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Oh, yeah.

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There are things that are genetically in your genetic code, yeah, from passed down from generation to generation that you were born with, yeah, that people that didn't have your same family trauma, particularly when you're talking about an entire culture that experience things, can never quite understand.

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Yeah.

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Right?

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So there's also that to consider.

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It doesn't mean it doesn't work, yeah.

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But this is where self-awareness, self-actualization, knowing your weaknesses, your strengths, your limitations, that's where that all comes in.

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Yeah, yeah.

00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:24.879
So that it's funny you say that because none of us are married to Iranian women.

00:16:25.200 --> 00:16:25.440
Yeah.

00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:26.240
Yeah.

00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:48.240
Well, it's saying like similar, but half, yeah, so four boys, half are with first generation, okay, technically, uh, similar area, but not Iran, and the other half actually in a similar area, similar origin, but American, like third generation, second to third generation.

00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:50.480
Okay, so a little more Americanized.

00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:52.960
No doctors, no doctors married to doctors.

00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:53.919
Um yes.

00:16:54.159 --> 00:16:55.679
Yeah, I'm married to a doctor.

00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:59.759
My youngest brother is married to a pediatric dentist.

00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:00.399
Okay.

00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:03.919
So and he's married to well, his wife's a doctor too.

00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:06.400
Technically, she's a doctorate in physical therapy.

00:17:06.880 --> 00:17:07.920
Physical therapy, yeah.

00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:09.519
Okay, and what's your wife?

00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:11.680
My wife's an anesthesiologist.

00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:12.960
She's an anesthesiologist.

00:17:13.119 --> 00:17:19.039
Okay, so not the same discipline, but yeah, and then the doctor is nurse practitioner and uh nurse.

00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:22.400
I think she because she teaches.

00:17:22.559 --> 00:17:22.720
Yeah.

00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:28.799
It's interesting, even in my whole career, even in hospice and palliative care, my dad was a physician too.

00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:34.480
It's very interesting that people either marry in the medical field, very rare doctor to doctor.

00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:36.559
That's actually pretty rare from what I've seen.

00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:40.079
But in the medical field, or something completely opposite.

00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:52.960
Yeah, so that's that's the wife that is the social butterfly, the business person, the one who can run the office, the one who can run the social gatherings, the one who can do the networking, and yeah.

00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:58.720
Well, it's rare for you to see it because if it's doctor and doctor, they don't make it that low.

00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:00.640
Yeah, they kill each other.

00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:01.759
We don't need hospice.

00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:02.160
Yeah.

00:18:02.720 --> 00:18:04.640
Yeah, it's gonna take care of itself.

00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:05.839
You need snapped.

00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:07.359
That's what you're gonna be on.

00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:11.200
Oh man.

00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:39.440
So um, in were there any common things you saw with people, whether it's regret or things they showed like extra joy for in like their final moments or like their final months of life, where where you were just like, this this seems like a common thing that like most people in this situation, not necessarily everybody, but like that stood out to you.

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:42.480
Ooh, we could go down a couple different rabbit holes here.

00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:44.720
So three guide me if you want me to.

00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:46.480
So I'm gonna start with the negative part.

00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:48.319
Yep, regret.

00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:50.880
Regret and grief.

00:18:51.440 --> 00:18:53.200
Danger, danger, danger.

00:18:53.359 --> 00:18:54.240
It is a killer.

00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:57.039
You guys know as physicians, it's an absolute killer.

00:18:57.359 --> 00:19:00.240
It is a wasted emotion, and it will eat away at you.

00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:04.480
So we'll start at um war-torn veterans.

00:19:04.640 --> 00:19:10.319
I once had a patient, he had cancer everywhere.

00:19:10.559 --> 00:19:20.079
He was probably in his 80s, and he had gone, I'm gonna say nine to ten days with no food.

00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:25.440
And people always say for people who aren't in the medical field, they say they're not eating.

00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:29.599
Look, guys, sips of your insurance is still eating.

00:19:29.680 --> 00:19:35.599
Yeah, I'm talking no sustenance and four or five days with no water.

00:19:35.839 --> 00:19:38.319
Now we're not doing IVs, we're not doing anything.

00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:40.480
And he would not go.

00:19:40.640 --> 00:19:44.880
And my chaplain came to me one day, and she is amazing, amazing.

00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:52.640
And no matter what your belief is, I don't necessarily share all of hers, but she came to me one day and she I said, What's what are we doing?

00:19:52.799 --> 00:19:53.680
What's going on with him?

00:19:53.839 --> 00:19:55.839
Like, is he in where's his pain?

00:19:55.920 --> 00:19:56.640
Where's his this?

00:19:56.799 --> 00:19:59.119
I'm going to all of those things that I know.

00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:01.839
And she says, Tiana, he's in spiritual warfare.

00:20:02.079 --> 00:20:03.200
And I said, What are you talking about?

00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:10.720
And he said, All those years in the war, he is regretting what he has done, he is fearing that he's gonna go to hell, he is doing all of these things.

00:20:10.880 --> 00:20:14.079
So he had to get closure with his God before he could do.

00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:20.480
And my chaplain spent hours and hours and hours there, and that's when it could happen.

00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:38.960
Now, on the flip side, you see people who you have no idea how they're hanging on, and the one daughter walks in the room and they go in that moment, or the wife that has been vigilant and bedside for years taking care of this person, and they go take a shower, and that's the moment that this person passes, right?

00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:43.279
Like there's a deal, there is a deal that your soul and God makes.

00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:48.720
And I think that from that position, they're trying to save their spouse from that moment, whatever it may be.

00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:59.279
So, for when we talk about longevity, we talk about wellness, we talk about aging, regret, um, unresolved grief issues, it's a killer.

00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:02.960
And not only is it a killer, but it's gonna make you a painful death.

00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:04.000
Yeah, okay.

00:21:04.079 --> 00:21:06.640
So let's let's let's try to alleviate that.

00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:11.920
It just like eats at you for years.

00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:13.759
Death by a thousand cuts.

00:21:14.079 --> 00:21:15.440
It is death by a thousand cuts.

00:21:15.519 --> 00:21:16.799
It eats at you every day.

00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:20.400
Now, on the flip side, what does everybody talk about?

00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:21.920
It's the people.

00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:30.000
And yes, I have heard many, many stories of the companies they built and the cars they bought, but that's just filler.

00:21:30.240 --> 00:21:34.799
Yeah, yeah, that's just filler talk when they're just wanting to talk to somebody about it.

00:21:35.039 --> 00:21:39.599
It really comes down to the people that they built.

00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:57.039
And I had a practice, and and when I tell you this, and you're gonna say it, but when I tell you I have sat bedside with thousands, I'm not kidding you, this is not an exaggeration, thousands of patients and families over my tenure, and I'm not a clinician, yeah.

00:21:57.119 --> 00:22:01.279
I'm admin, and I owned the hospices, but I always stayed bedside.

00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:07.599
The one thing I heard all the time, anytime I met somebody who was married for a long time, I always asked them, what is the key?

00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:11.119
Two things I heard over and over and over again.

00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:18.480
Sometimes one has to love enough for both, yeah, and number two, the man has to love the woman just a little bit more.

00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:25.599
And I have trouble translating this into homosexual relationships because I can see that too in different ways.

00:22:25.680 --> 00:22:42.319
So I don't know if it's that energy or what it is, but if you think about it, if you think of all the true happy, happy marriages that you have seen over the course of your life, there is nothing different about the way that that man looks at his women, at his woman when he was 25 versus 95.

00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:45.680
There is a twinkle in his eye, and he still wants to pat her butt.

00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:47.920
Yeah, there is just something about it.

00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:49.519
It's very, very special.

00:22:49.759 --> 00:22:53.200
So having those connections is is completely amazing.

00:22:53.519 --> 00:22:58.319
And we have seen so many times people do all the right things.

00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:06.400
They ate well, they never smoked, they never drank, they just ran a marathon you know six months ago and they get pancreatic cancer and die at 43.

00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:08.160
That's why I don't exercise.

00:23:08.880 --> 00:23:09.519
There you go.

00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:11.039
See, stay true.

00:23:11.200 --> 00:23:14.319
Um, but what mattered is did they have that quality of life?

00:23:14.480 --> 00:23:25.039
Did they have that longevity in the quantity of their life, not the quantity, the quality of their life, not the quantity, versus living a very, very long time in a very lonely space?

00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:26.319
Yeah, it makes sense.

00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:31.119
It's probably again, it's it's all all encompassing.

00:23:31.279 --> 00:23:38.319
Like it has to do like with like things we do with longevity is like hormone balances, yeah.

00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:45.759
Like everything, like it's not like all make you a happy, more energetic person so you can enjoy life while you are around.

00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:51.359
And it's like just well encompassing rather than like super boosting one aspect.

00:23:51.599 --> 00:24:13.359
The one thing I related to is uh been playing way more FIFA recently than usual, but they actually put the attributes of the player in around a circle, and then like okay, if you're a defender, maybe it's skewed this way, or if you're well-rounded midfielder, the whole thing's filled out.

00:24:13.599 --> 00:24:18.240
Like, that's how I've been like thinking of like with like hormone imbalances and stuff.

00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:18.960
It's like so.

00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:42.079
If you're if you're like if that shape is like the least away from being round, that's the like you're gonna have certain attributes that other people are gonna like admire you for, but that's you're most likely lacking in other attributes that are necessary, not not just for longevity, for for just people getting along with you.

00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:48.799
Um let's just say like you could bench press 600 pounds and just be a huge asshole.

00:24:49.039 --> 00:24:49.200
Right.

00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:50.400
And then what's it for?

00:24:50.559 --> 00:25:02.559
But isn't that the beauty of what what you can do with medicine is it's a catalyst in the physical body to get somebody the boost, the confidence, whatever it is, to do the work inside, right?

00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:07.200
So um, I'm sure y'all see it all the time in what you do with plastics.

00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:15.039
You will see a person's personality change from the boost that they get and the confidence that they get from that.

00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:17.440
Um, and that's the reason to do it, right?

00:25:17.599 --> 00:25:19.440
For yourself, not for anybody else.

00:25:19.519 --> 00:25:20.160
Yes, absolutely.

00:25:20.400 --> 00:25:25.680
And so I have seen very, very, very, I wish Marnie was here for this.

00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:38.880
She tells a story, but like very, you know, beautifully big, curvy women that can get any man, and I'm talking any man that they want, anything that they want, and they look at themselves, they're like, I am freaking perfect.

00:25:39.039 --> 00:25:44.880
And then you have seen somebody that on paper would have the most perfect body, the most perfect this.

00:25:45.440 --> 00:25:47.839
If they don't got it there, what's it for?

00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:51.039
Because it's always the next quick hit, it's always the next quick fix.

00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.000
It's never gonna be good enough.

00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:59.440
Like, even when I was wrestling in high school and undergrad, I I would I was pretty fit.

00:25:59.599 --> 00:26:04.880
I wasn't the most fit by far on the team, but I was like very cut up, very fit.

00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:10.160
But I was always like, oh, okay, if I can get this a little bigger, tone down here.

00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:16.240
And now looking back, I'm like, oh man, if I was like that, that would be freaking killer.

00:26:16.480 --> 00:26:19.920
And like but it was always it was never good enough.

00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:21.759
It was just never good enough.

00:26:23.039 --> 00:26:24.079
Well, but that's the whole point.

00:26:24.559 --> 00:26:25.759
You gotta drive yourself though.

00:26:25.920 --> 00:26:31.359
That's the you gotta have goals and you gotta at least approach them.

00:26:31.440 --> 00:26:35.359
If you don't have goals, then just like we were talking about, you gotta have purpose, right?

00:26:35.599 --> 00:26:41.200
Yeah, and then if you those goals are gone, you're you're like gonna be depressed if you don't have a lot of people.

00:26:41.359 --> 00:26:48.160
But if artists setting goals is like if you attain it, like let's let's say like body image, and then what are you gonna keep on?

00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:56.319
Well, social media is making that whole body image thing and lifestyle image much worse, like for a lot of people.

00:26:56.480 --> 00:26:58.799
It's just made everything so awful.

00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:08.400
How many people drive a frickin' Bugatti and you you know, where it was like one in the world, now it's like you know, go you go to Miami, there's 16 of them lined up.

00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:12.799
Until the next thing, yeah, until the next thing, but social media we're in dating too.

00:27:12.880 --> 00:27:15.920
I mean, but but back to the business, please.

00:27:16.319 --> 00:27:17.359
It's great for your business.

00:27:17.759 --> 00:27:18.480
Are you kidding me?

00:27:18.720 --> 00:27:19.599
Right, it's great.

00:27:19.759 --> 00:27:20.240
It's great.

00:27:20.319 --> 00:27:23.839
But talking about purpose, you have to have purpose even within your relationship.

00:27:23.920 --> 00:27:26.319
Yeah, it's not enough just to be in a relationship.

00:27:27.119 --> 00:27:35.200
So when we talk about how that sustains you and the studies you were telling me about earlier about people in happy marriages, what was it, 60%?

00:27:35.759 --> 00:27:41.839
Yeah, like longevity-wise, length of like 60% were long-term married.

00:27:42.319 --> 00:27:43.599
They lived longer, I think.

00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:45.920
Family unity is the key.

00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:47.759
That is that is a big one.

00:27:47.920 --> 00:27:54.319
Well, it was just during you know, COVID, and then all of a sudden, loneliness actually got put on the map.

00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:56.000
And those of us knew that for forever and ever.

00:27:56.160 --> 00:27:57.359
And now there's all these studies.

00:27:57.519 --> 00:28:01.680
Loneliness is equivalent to smoking a pack and a half of scissor, you know, cigarettes a day.

00:28:01.759 --> 00:28:03.200
Well, bullshit, it always was.

00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:03.519
Yeah.

00:28:03.680 --> 00:28:07.839
Um, and now we just forced all these people into it, and the way the people were doing it.

00:28:08.480 --> 00:28:10.319
So I picked up a pack of cigarettes a day.

00:28:10.480 --> 00:28:11.039
Oh, good.

00:28:11.119 --> 00:28:11.519
All right, perfect.

00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:13.519
It's like, oh good, I'm making up for it.

00:28:13.759 --> 00:28:14.319
Whatever you gotta do.

00:28:14.559 --> 00:28:19.200
So now I can uh and I only smoke uh menthol cigarettes for the fresh breath.

00:28:19.519 --> 00:28:20.319
Right, right.

00:28:20.480 --> 00:28:22.079
Well, they say those are better for you.

00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:23.519
Oh god.

00:28:24.079 --> 00:28:27.599
Yeah, and like I think the blue zones kind of showed that.

00:28:27.839 --> 00:28:39.119
Um I I think it it's not necessarily just being married, but it's like, you know, they're even like if their spouse died, they had that little community that loved them.

00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:40.000
So yeah.

00:28:40.640 --> 00:28:41.920
Especially the Italian ones, yeah.

00:28:42.079 --> 00:28:42.880
Oh, especially the Italian.

00:28:43.279 --> 00:28:43.759
They're so cute.

00:28:44.079 --> 00:28:46.720
Humans are not biologically designed to be alone.

00:28:47.119 --> 00:28:49.039
There are those those offshots, right?

00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:54.720
There are offshots of people that really do well by themselves and off the grid.

00:28:55.039 --> 00:29:00.960
But by and far, humans are not designed to be alone and they need that kind of connection.

00:29:01.119 --> 00:29:15.519
Yeah, and so that's where it really, and if you think about it, and if you think about what makes people happy, a lot of it is um giving, sharing, teaching, learning, all of those things that come from other humans in connection.

00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:15.839
Yeah.

00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:21.039
So yes, your primary relationship is a huge factor in that, but it's not the only one.

00:29:21.279 --> 00:29:21.759
Yeah.

00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:34.319
Yeah, it's you know, with your kids and some even with like, you know, their religious belief, with you know, what they think of God as like, that that's almost like a relationship itself.

00:29:34.640 --> 00:29:41.359
It is because you're not lonely if you believe in God and you know that God is never leaving you and will never forsake you, and all of that.

00:29:41.519 --> 00:29:44.079
So that's I mean, Earth is a tough planet.

00:29:44.240 --> 00:29:47.359
Yeah, there's some really big things going on here.

00:29:47.440 --> 00:29:55.599
So to know that you have somebody who truly has your best interests at heart and wants good things for you and has your back, yeah.

00:29:55.759 --> 00:29:58.640
Um that's gonna carry you a very far away.

00:29:58.880 --> 00:29:59.200
Yeah.

00:29:59.440 --> 00:29:59.680
One

00:30:00.160 --> 00:30:02.240
They say toxic in this study.

00:30:02.400 --> 00:30:05.599
I wonder what you know what's considered toxic.

00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:07.200
Yeah, let's talk into that.

00:30:07.279 --> 00:30:14.559
So I think a lot of these big buzzwords, toxic, I mean, you know, everybody's on this narcissist kick now, all of these things.

00:30:14.720 --> 00:30:17.359
There's very it's it can be very subjective, right?

00:30:17.440 --> 00:30:19.680
So there's a scale, there's a sliding scale of it.

00:30:19.759 --> 00:30:22.480
So people are totally overusing the word narcissist.

00:30:22.559 --> 00:30:22.640
Yeah.

00:30:22.799 --> 00:30:24.799
There's people with narcissistic tendencies.

00:30:24.960 --> 00:30:30.559
But truthfully, you have to be properly diagnosed, and it's in the DM5 about what a narcissist is.

00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:31.519
But there are people who are not.

00:30:32.400 --> 00:30:35.920
Who we have as a president that's predicting that.

00:30:36.480 --> 00:30:37.759
Not talking politics.

00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:42.240
I voted for him, but like I think that's got a huge part to do with it.

00:30:42.400 --> 00:30:43.839
Well, sure, sure, absolutely.

00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:48.240
But when we talk about toxic relationships, there's a couple of factors to it.

00:30:48.400 --> 00:30:53.759
So what may be awful to you may be like mildly irritating to you.

00:30:54.160 --> 00:30:54.480
Okay?

00:30:54.960 --> 00:31:01.519
So it could still be toxic, but it's where I can receive it and give it that affects the toxicity level.

00:31:01.920 --> 00:31:07.039
So there are things that are just absolute game changer deal breakers for some people.

00:31:07.200 --> 00:31:07.359
Yeah.

00:31:07.599 --> 00:31:09.279
But there are things that other people tolerate.

00:31:09.440 --> 00:31:14.880
So the fact of the matter is, if you spend your time thinking you're in a toxic relationship, you are.

00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:15.680
And guess what?

00:31:15.839 --> 00:31:17.279
You may also be the problem.

00:31:17.440 --> 00:31:22.480
Because the other thing that we see is there's a lot of people that are addicted to trauma.

00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:22.640
Yeah.

00:31:22.880 --> 00:31:24.319
They are addicted to chaos.

00:31:24.880 --> 00:31:25.200
Okay.

00:31:25.839 --> 00:31:30.240
I have found myself when I was a very, very, very busy professional.

00:31:30.400 --> 00:31:34.880
If I had, and this is unrelated to relationships, but we can bring it there.

00:31:35.119 --> 00:31:38.400
If I had 10 minutes of downtime, what am I doing?

00:31:38.559 --> 00:31:39.279
I'm a loser.

00:31:39.359 --> 00:31:40.480
I should be doing something.

00:31:40.640 --> 00:31:42.160
I probably forgot something.

00:31:42.319 --> 00:31:45.119
I'm so I would create more jobs for myself, right?

00:31:45.279 --> 00:31:45.519
Yeah.

00:31:45.920 --> 00:31:47.440
So people do that in relationships.

00:31:47.599 --> 00:32:00.640
People who don't grow up in healthy relationships with healthy relationship um styles around them, with not advanced coping mechanisms or coping skills, have grown up in a life of chaos and trauma.

00:32:00.880 --> 00:32:04.720
When things become peaceful, that is so uncomfortable for them.

00:32:04.880 --> 00:32:05.119
Yeah.

00:32:05.359 --> 00:32:06.480
So they can create that.

00:32:06.960 --> 00:32:08.720
It doesn't mean you can't change that.

00:32:09.200 --> 00:32:11.279
But you gotta be, again, self-aware.

00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:13.039
You've got to learn your own cycles.

00:32:13.440 --> 00:32:15.200
That's what we've brought to our wives.

00:32:15.359 --> 00:32:16.480
They don't understand it.

00:32:16.640 --> 00:32:16.880
Oh.

00:32:17.200 --> 00:32:18.160
Once they figure it out.

00:32:18.559 --> 00:32:20.559
Oh, oh, it's them, right?

00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:21.200
It's them.

00:32:21.839 --> 00:32:23.119
Oh yeah, let's get them in here.

00:32:23.279 --> 00:32:24.240
Give them my phone number.

00:32:24.480 --> 00:32:26.000
We'll have all no, I mean, everybody.

00:32:32.240 --> 00:32:32.559
Okay.

00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:37.839
And she had to extend her trip from two days to four days for like a course she was taking.

00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:47.599
She came back and it was like I I didn't say anything back because I I understood like what she meant.

00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:52.480
I got like this new like area rug that just shed all over the house.

00:32:52.640 --> 00:32:57.359
So she spent the whole day, first day back, like just vacuuming.

00:32:57.440 --> 00:32:57.519
Yeah.

00:32:57.680 --> 00:33:00.799
I had to unload the vacuum canister like three times.

00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:02.079
That's how bad it was.

00:33:02.400 --> 00:33:08.720
So by the time I get home, just a lot of complaints, a lot of family stressors, too.

00:33:08.799 --> 00:33:14.799
That's perfectly understandable, like with with like health concerns with the family.

00:33:15.119 --> 00:33:17.839
So I I wish I had more to say.

00:33:17.920 --> 00:33:18.960
I just couldn't say anything.

00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:21.119
I was just like, I I know you're right.

00:33:21.279 --> 00:33:30.480
And I'm not like my silence isn't saying like I'm against what you're saying, but it's it I don't I just don't know what to say.

00:33:30.960 --> 00:33:34.160
So let me tell you about this demographic of women that we see these days.

00:33:34.319 --> 00:33:34.559
Okay.

00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:42.559
We are raising our children, we are professionals, we are ball busters, a lot of times they are the breadwinners.

00:33:42.799 --> 00:33:48.720
There is all of these factors, and it's not the way it's been for centuries on past, right?

00:33:49.119 --> 00:33:51.440
And so there's this shift of what's happening.

00:33:51.839 --> 00:33:58.640
So sometimes what's really hard is we don't need you to fix anything, we just need you to hold space.

00:33:58.960 --> 00:34:04.000
So perhaps by you just holding space and not offering, that's exactly what she needed.

00:34:04.079 --> 00:34:09.360
Because I guarantee you she came home, no matter how great this course was, she's a wife and a mother.

00:34:09.599 --> 00:34:11.039
Wow, the course was stressful for her.

00:34:11.519 --> 00:34:12.559
Okay, so that was stressful.

00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:15.360
She had guilt probably about leaving her children.

00:34:15.599 --> 00:34:16.320
She had guilt.

00:34:16.400 --> 00:34:19.440
Whether she speaks or there's something that's ingrained in us, right?

00:34:19.519 --> 00:34:20.880
And it comes out in different ways.

00:34:21.039 --> 00:34:24.000
So the easiest thing is to get pissed off at that effing carpet.

00:34:24.239 --> 00:34:25.280
Because that's right in front of us.

00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:25.840
It wasn't.

00:34:26.159 --> 00:34:28.079
And we can't do it.

00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:29.199
Shame on you, dude.

00:34:29.280 --> 00:34:31.199
You should have vacuumed up the carpet.

00:34:31.440 --> 00:34:37.840
I mean, I I but maybe not maybe it's better because now she knows how bad that carpet is.

00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:41.679
Oh, well, if you want to get rid of the carpet, that would be totally different wooded.

00:34:41.920 --> 00:34:42.239
It's gone.

00:34:42.400 --> 00:34:42.719
It's gone.

00:34:42.880 --> 00:34:43.199
It's gone.

00:34:43.280 --> 00:34:44.400
That's like when I'm like my kitchen.

00:34:47.199 --> 00:34:48.880
All of a sudden, like she's in a concern.

00:34:49.360 --> 00:34:50.000
Not quite gone.

00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:51.760
No, I would have lived with that.

00:34:51.840 --> 00:34:53.519
I think it's a beautiful rug.

00:34:53.679 --> 00:34:54.000
Yeah.

00:34:54.239 --> 00:34:58.000
Um, it's it's nice, but she was just like, we gotta get rid of this.

00:34:58.159 --> 00:35:03.280
I was like, I really don't want to, but if you do, let's go.00:35:03.679 --> 00:35:04.079


Let's go.00:35:05.280 --> 00:35:08.400


She has two large dogs too, so and two cats.00:35:08.639 --> 00:35:09.840


And two, yeah, that's a lot.00:35:09.920 --> 00:35:10.960


That's a lot to come home to.00:35:11.119 --> 00:35:11.280


Yeah.00:35:11.360 --> 00:35:12.800


Yeah, just have the housekeeper come next to the case.00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:13.519


And I date.00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:16.880


I wasn't I wasn't giving the dogs the right supplements and stuff.00:35:17.119 --> 00:35:17.440


Okay.00:35:17.920 --> 00:35:29.119


So I wasn't gonna bring out like, okay, I still took out the trash, cleaned up the dog poop, cleaned up the dishes, kept everything else orderly.00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:34.159


These couple things were wrong, so the whole house is a disaster.00:35:34.400 --> 00:35:39.519


Like that, that that's a constant battle that I just we find ourselves in.00:35:39.679 --> 00:35:44.400


I just like, and if I do bring it up, it's like, oh, you want a special reward for that?00:35:44.559 --> 00:35:52.320


Like, it's like, no, just don't like diminu throw all of that out the door because a couple things weren't done.00:35:52.480 --> 00:35:54.559


Like, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.00:35:54.880 --> 00:36:00.719


Yeah, but this is the dichotomy of the kind of environment that we're in today that wasn't in.00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:10.079


There were clear um roles, there were clear boundaries, there were clear jobs, there was all these things before, and it's getting murky on both sides.00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:15.840


You probably spent a lot more time with the kids than you know, men did 40 years ago.00:36:16.400 --> 00:36:18.400


So there this is where it's it's hard.00:36:18.960 --> 00:36:20.480


Way more than my dad did with us.00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:22.159


He was a great dad, but definitely.00:36:22.719 --> 00:36:23.679


He was a great dad.00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:30.079


It doesn't mean that anybody was wrong in what we're doing, but we are evolving as a society, and that is very hard to date.00:36:30.239 --> 00:36:47.440


And it's very hard to date when you come into your 40s and your 50s and your 60s and you're single again, and then now you've got this 60-year-old woman who got divorced, raised her kids on her own, started her business, makes a crap load of money, makes decisions all day, is in this boss bitch energy.00:36:47.599 --> 00:36:50.559


Well, that's hard for a man to deal with, but you like it, right?00:36:50.639 --> 00:36:51.360


Like it's cool.00:36:51.920 --> 00:37:00.480


But how do you allow her to go into her feminine side and still recognize her and uplift her for the boss bitch she is?00:37:00.639 --> 00:37:06.079


Like it's like there's a there's a whole learning curve for men and women to be able to do that.00:37:06.159 --> 00:37:10.880


Yeah, I think, you know, I in all honesty, that's why my 15-year relationship failed.00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:16.320


Yeah, all of a sudden I built these businesses, I got into this mode, and I found myself in energy that I didn't want to be in.00:37:16.480 --> 00:37:16.800


Yeah.00:37:17.039 --> 00:37:18.159


Then it's nobody's fault.00:37:18.239 --> 00:37:22.000


But energy in what, the relationship or the professional side?00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:23.280


Uh the relationship.00:37:23.519 --> 00:37:25.679


I think that's why my relationship failed.00:37:26.079 --> 00:37:32.000


Is we were not able to mold with the way that the roles were changing.00:37:32.159 --> 00:37:32.400


Yeah.00:37:32.559 --> 00:37:39.519


And in my mind, okay, much like you, where it was, I got dying people calling me all day or night.00:37:39.599 --> 00:37:41.440


I can't answer that email tomorrow.00:37:41.599 --> 00:37:47.280


Like, I'm I'm building businesses, I have 600 employees, I have this, I have that.00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:49.360


That that is gonna wait.00:37:49.519 --> 00:37:50.559


Well, that's not fair.00:37:50.719 --> 00:37:56.880


But at the same time, when I'm fighting these battles all day long and doing this, don't come to me.00:37:56.960 --> 00:38:02.400


Like, I I don't have the capacity to be flooded by your bullshit, and I don't want to know, I don't want to be asked what's for dinner.00:38:02.800 --> 00:38:05.280


But did you did you take time to yourself?00:38:05.519 --> 00:38:12.400


Like like meditate or no, you know, no, and I think that's what a lot of women get away from.00:38:12.559 --> 00:38:19.440


They turn like my wife, she's like self-care isn't even secondary, it's not even secondary.00:38:19.920 --> 00:38:24.480


Because she's like, I don't understand why I'm like, I'm like, dude, I care about myself.00:38:24.639 --> 00:38:26.159


I'm like, I don't give a shit.00:38:26.239 --> 00:38:29.039


I'm like, I can be late to this, I can be late to this.00:38:29.199 --> 00:38:30.239


People can wait.00:38:30.480 --> 00:38:32.159


I'm gonna get my workout done.00:38:32.320 --> 00:38:34.639


I'm gonna do my meditation, you know.00:38:34.800 --> 00:38:36.320


And I I don't like all the time.00:38:39.519 --> 00:38:41.199


I I can't just put out a workout.00:38:41.599 --> 00:38:46.000


And it's not like I'm doing like an hour workout or two hours and messing around.00:38:46.079 --> 00:38:50.320


I'm there 20 minutes in and out, and like even meditation and stuff.00:38:50.480 --> 00:38:57.679


I usually do it before bed, before I go to bed, or first thing is I as soon as I wake up, like just to do self-care.00:38:57.760 --> 00:39:06.320


And I think I think meditations beyond anything like help me so much because like we're you have a short fuse.00:39:06.400 --> 00:39:25.440


Anytime I don't meditate, it's like you know, she hits you, she hits you, she hits you, and you know, like you you you answer back, you know, and and but like when you meditate, it's like comes comes at you with rocks, you just block them, block them, and you know how to block them the right way.00:39:25.840 --> 00:39:28.639


You know, you turn it into gold and give it back to her almost.00:39:28.880 --> 00:39:32.480


But that's the problem, is that we have been taught that self-care is a pedicure.00:39:32.639 --> 00:39:34.320


Pedicure is not self-care.00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:37.679


I don't getting your nails done is a pain in the ass.00:39:38.239 --> 00:39:44.159


For somebody like me who has to sit still for an hour, that is not self-care.00:39:44.320 --> 00:39:46.239


Getting your hair done is not self-care.00:39:46.480 --> 00:39:49.440


Again, you are in a chair, you are locked down.00:39:49.599 --> 00:39:54.800


So, this is the thing, there's these things that we do as women that we that we now feel obligated to do, right?00:39:54.960 --> 00:39:58.159


Because it's just part of society, and that's our self-care.00:39:58.239 --> 00:39:59.039


That's bullshit.00:39:59.119 --> 00:40:00.559


Yeah, it's not self-care.00:40:00.719 --> 00:40:02.719


We have to really tune into what that is.00:40:02.800 --> 00:40:06.719


And I was actually speaking with a wonderful woman this this morning.00:40:06.800 --> 00:40:09.280


I'm starting to look into gene coding and human design.00:40:10.159 --> 00:40:11.360


Freaking phenomenal.00:40:11.519 --> 00:40:13.280


And she was talking about meditation.00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:17.119


And for me, that is a scary word because I don't sit still.00:40:17.199 --> 00:40:18.880


Yeah, but she said, look it.00:40:19.039 --> 00:40:21.199


Some people meditate when they're chopping vegetables.00:40:21.280 --> 00:40:26.320


Yeah, some people meditate when they're picking, and I was like, Oh, and the first place I went was treadmill.00:40:26.480 --> 00:40:27.519


I hate the treadmill.00:40:27.679 --> 00:40:33.519


I hate the treadmill, but my best thoughts come like when I'm on the treadmill, when I'm not thinking.00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:40.079


And I was like, okay, so it meditation doesn't have to be the traditional, like what everybody thinks about.00:40:40.480 --> 00:40:42.559


Some people it's painting, some people it's prayer.00:40:42.880 --> 00:40:43.679


It's a checkout time.00:40:43.760 --> 00:40:49.840


And here's the thing, guys, when we're getting our nails done, when we're getting our hair done, they're talking to you, you're doing all this stuff.00:40:49.920 --> 00:40:51.119


It's not self-care.00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:56.639


So I think as women and as men, because I do believe work workouts are self-care.00:40:56.800 --> 00:40:59.840


Because I'm I now I make it to the gym five days a week and it's the same thing.00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.000


If I skip it, my boyfriend will literally go like be like, hey, you want to go work out today?00:41:04.159 --> 00:41:04.960


He doesn't work out.00:41:05.119 --> 00:41:06.320


He's telling me to go work out.00:41:06.400 --> 00:41:07.920


My my fuse got shorter.00:41:08.159 --> 00:41:12.159


I do believe that is, but we have to retrain ourselves on what self-care actually is.00:41:12.239 --> 00:41:13.840


Yeah, and because it's not that superficial card.00:41:14.079 --> 00:41:15.440


And like meditation, it's not getting Botox.00:41:15.760 --> 00:41:30.159


Yeah, and meditation, like if if you're not like and people think meditation's like staring at a wall and not seeing anything in your brain, that's meditation, but it's not that, like, it's about clearing whatever's in your brain.00:41:31.599 --> 00:41:41.119


Yeah, but it's about like clearing that out, cleaning that out, especially if you don't get enough sleep, and which usually cleans out a lot of that junk.00:41:41.280 --> 00:41:48.239


And like with meditation, oh kind of you those thoughts come to your brain because it needs to get cleared out.00:41:48.400 --> 00:41:55.119


So that's clearing out isn't necessarily like you're not saying like clear now it means like blank out your mind.00:41:55.280 --> 00:42:04.480


It's actually like thoughtfulness and thoughtfulness about who you are, how you're thinking, and what's coming to mind.00:42:04.719 --> 00:42:09.679


So like gradually going process by process by trying to clear your mind.00:42:09.840 --> 00:42:20.639


Things are gonna come up that you think of, but you have to you have to address it kind of thoughtfully before moving on to the next thing, or or coming to peace with it.00:42:20.719 --> 00:42:22.159


Like makes perfect sense.00:42:22.559 --> 00:42:29.519


I I told a story to actually somebody I'm working with right now who's a very, very busy professional starting his company.00:42:29.599 --> 00:42:37.920


I was trying to get him to sit still, and I said, one day back in the day when I would do good grief, 400 miles in my car a day.00:42:38.000 --> 00:42:41.440


Because I had a patient in surprise, I had a patient in Gold Canyon, I had a patient.00:42:42.079 --> 00:42:42.960


Yeah, I mean, it was just like that.00:42:44.960 --> 00:42:47.840


Yeah, it was crazy, and I just never knew where I was gonna end up, and I didn't mind.00:42:47.920 --> 00:42:48.880


Like that's was the job.00:42:49.039 --> 00:42:54.559


And you'd I'd be with in front of a patient, and then you get in the car and you check your emails real quick, and then you're calling people back, right?00:42:54.800 --> 00:42:56.239


So I never had the radio on.00:42:56.400 --> 00:43:05.199


And it was, I don't know how long I had been doing this before I realized there were lots of times where I wasn't on a phone call or I wasn't and I was driving and it was just silent.00:43:05.360 --> 00:43:09.599


And then I would kind of snap too, and I was like, Oh, and that was kind of my job.00:43:10.079 --> 00:43:13.360


Usually when you hit the rumble strip, the rumble strip.00:43:13.599 --> 00:43:22.079


Yeah, so I used to purposely kind of try to try my my last appointments far away so that by the time I got home, yeah, I could like get into home mode.00:43:22.239 --> 00:43:24.719


Yeah, it didn't work very much, but you gotta do that.00:43:25.119 --> 00:43:28.320


You need a little bit of home mode before you go into different modes.00:43:28.480 --> 00:43:28.639


Yeah.00:43:28.880 --> 00:43:32.480


Like right now, I I need to get off of the screen.00:43:32.639 --> 00:43:35.119


Like, I need to reduce screen time.00:43:35.360 --> 00:43:35.599


Okay.00:43:35.840 --> 00:43:45.440


It's like just I know that's what I need to do, and that's like just unhealthy for my my home life, is the amount of time I spend on the screen.00:43:45.679 --> 00:43:57.280


Because screen time's like a flywheel, because like I spend more time on a screen, my daughter spends more time on a screen, it goes back and forth, and the easiest thing to do for both of us is to just spend the whole time on the screen.00:43:57.440 --> 00:44:11.199


Yeah, but like you're not getting any like like actual value from that, you're kind of giving your brain that dopamine kick it needs at that time, and then it just like becomes like just what you're used to.00:44:11.440 --> 00:44:19.440


Well, and that's the thing is everybody says, okay, so we're talking about relationships and we're talking about happy, healthy relationships and sustaining longevity in life.00:44:19.599 --> 00:44:23.519


So you can say, Well, I was home, but were you present?00:44:23.760 --> 00:44:23.920


Present.00:44:24.400 --> 00:44:31.840


So that's the difference is being next to somebody, but being in now, sometimes binge shows are fun, like if you can watch them together or whatnot.00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:36.159


But when both of you are on your phones, it doesn't matter if you sat next to each other for an hour and a half.00:44:36.480 --> 00:44:39.440


You were better off taking a 15-minute walk together.00:44:39.599 --> 00:44:39.760


Yeah.00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:45.679


I mean, really that is the quality time, that is the connection, that is the build.00:44:45.840 --> 00:44:49.760


And you can't do that, it's not about proximity, proximity of closeness.00:44:49.920 --> 00:44:52.239


It's about actually quality engaged time.00:44:52.400 --> 00:44:52.719


Yeah.00:44:53.119 --> 00:44:58.960


That's why sometimes hobbies are important if you can do them together, but not necessary because you can do plenty of other things.00:44:59.119 --> 00:44:59.519


Yeah, yeah.00:44:59.679 --> 00:45:00.480


Plenty of other things.00:45:00.719 --> 00:45:05.039


But there's again, not to like just go like, oh, okay, screen time.00:45:05.199 --> 00:45:11.599


There, there's sometimes my daughter and I will play video games together, and we're into the same, so we're in the same world.00:45:11.679 --> 00:45:12.239


Yes, that's the same.00:45:12.400 --> 00:45:22.400


So it's just like us two walking around the block, and but it's different than when she's on the phone doing something and I'm playing a video game, or vice versa.00:45:22.880 --> 00:45:28.480


So like we we try to find those common hobbies, like she's picking up volleyball.00:45:28.559 --> 00:45:32.239


So uh what sucks is it's like 110 degrees out, right?00:45:32.400 --> 00:45:39.840


So we can't go out and play, but like she kind of gets disappointed with me sometimes because I'm just like, I'm just too tired to go out and play.00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:41.119


I really want to.00:45:41.599 --> 00:45:46.800


Um, but like just hitting a volleyball, you're not you have no time for the screen.00:45:46.880 --> 00:45:51.679


So like it's very enjoyable time together, and she like really opens up to it.00:45:51.760 --> 00:45:59.039


Or like what I notice when she's not allowed to have her screen, I'm just driving her to school or or her friend's house.00:45:59.280 --> 00:46:00.159


That's when she's like really.00:46:00.719 --> 00:46:01.519


They just start talking.00:46:02.079 --> 00:46:08.079


Yeah, it's amazing what will happen when you remove those barriers because that's all they are, is a distraction.00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:13.280


So when you remove those barriers, magical things really happen, and that's where the connection is.00:46:13.440 --> 00:46:16.239


Now, again, if you can connect on something, that's very different.00:46:16.480 --> 00:46:18.880


But you know, the I don't know.00:46:18.960 --> 00:46:23.280


We and that that's a hard thing to get the kids to open up.00:46:23.440 --> 00:46:25.119


It's like, how is school today?00:46:25.679 --> 00:46:27.440


School, yeah, oh it was good.00:46:27.519 --> 00:46:32.480


Yeah, it's like okay, then you gotta work on follow-up question, follow-up question.00:46:32.800 --> 00:46:41.920


But like again, the the best times is when she opens up about school, and and it's not like oh, this is what we learn in science, it's not what gets her excited.00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:44.239


It's like, guess what happened with this kid?00:46:44.400 --> 00:46:49.679


It's like um, and and those stories, that's when I start getting entertained.00:46:49.760 --> 00:46:53.519


I'm like, oh, this actually like takes me back to like junior high.00:46:53.920 --> 00:46:55.599


Yeah, fun stuff happens.00:46:55.840 --> 00:46:59.920


I was reading something about um a mother who changes the way they ask.00:47:00.079 --> 00:47:01.440


I I wish I would have done this.00:47:01.519 --> 00:47:04.000


I have one child, she she'll be 23 next month.00:47:04.079 --> 00:47:07.440


She's in Boston um law school, but where at Suffolk?00:47:07.679 --> 00:47:09.519


Boston College, Boston College, okay.00:47:09.679 --> 00:47:09.920


Nice.00:47:10.320 --> 00:47:13.760


I know she's doing well, she's doing so she's brilliant.00:47:13.920 --> 00:47:14.719


My father was brilliant.00:47:15.599 --> 00:47:17.199


That stuff skips a generation.00:47:17.280 --> 00:47:18.320


Yeah, she she did it.00:47:18.400 --> 00:47:19.360


Yeah, she's amazing.00:47:19.519 --> 00:47:23.440


But um, I I did not make enough time for my daughter growing up.00:47:23.599 --> 00:47:26.320


I can say that in it was interesting.00:47:26.400 --> 00:47:34.960


I was I was mentoring a um another young entrepreneur, and he asked me uh a question that stopped me dead in my tracks.00:47:35.039 --> 00:47:36.000


And I've been asked a lot.00:47:36.159 --> 00:47:38.079


I've been doing a lot of things for a lot of years.00:47:38.239 --> 00:47:44.719


And he said, Tiana, if you would have made half the money, but you would have spent more time and had a better relationship with your daughter, would you have done it?00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:50.400


And I said, you know, even as even as recent as three years ago, I would have said no.00:47:50.880 --> 00:47:52.480


I I did what I had to do.00:47:52.639 --> 00:47:53.920


Today I would say yes.00:47:54.000 --> 00:47:57.199


Yeah, I would have taken half the money I made and done it different.00:47:57.519 --> 00:47:59.599


How's your relationship with her right now?00:47:59.840 --> 00:48:00.719


It's good.00:48:00.880 --> 00:48:03.119


It's good now, but it's taken a lot of work.00:48:03.280 --> 00:48:11.920


So when your daughter looks at you and says, just kind of like the trash thing, like like you know, you didn't do the you didn't feed the dogs right, you didn't do this.00:48:12.079 --> 00:48:14.639


And she says, Mom, you never spent any time with me.00:48:14.800 --> 00:48:17.360


I I I I made you dinner every night.00:48:17.440 --> 00:48:24.239


And and now her I left her dad when she was, yeah, I was I her I left her dad when she was a year and a half old.00:48:24.400 --> 00:48:24.559


Okay.00:48:24.800 --> 00:48:29.840


So when I was building my businesses, I was very, very succinct of Wednesday and Thursday nights were his nights.00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:35.440


Those were my meetings with my doctors, those were my meetings with uh board, those were my networking meetings.00:48:35.599 --> 00:48:38.000


And every once in a while I had to do it outside of that.00:48:38.079 --> 00:48:43.519


Yeah, she went to before school, she went to after school, a lot of kids do, but like I when I had her, I was really good about it.00:48:43.599 --> 00:48:47.519


So I was like, but Sage, I was, you know, I made you dinner every night.00:48:47.599 --> 00:48:48.960


I I got you from school every day.00:48:49.039 --> 00:48:51.039


It was a handful of times I had to get help.00:48:51.119 --> 00:49:01.280


And she goes, Mom, how many conversations did we have where you didn't stop in the middle of it and go, oh yeah, go ahead and approve that or answer an email or whatever.00:49:01.360 --> 00:49:02.639


And I go, so so.00:49:03.199 --> 00:49:04.000


You know what I mean?00:49:04.559 --> 00:49:05.599


You're not wrong.00:49:05.840 --> 00:49:07.920


Yeah, you are not wrong.00:49:08.239 --> 00:49:11.840


And so do I I I will not say I regret it.00:49:12.000 --> 00:49:13.840


It was my path, it's her path.00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:16.400


And if anything, I showed her how to work really hard.00:49:16.480 --> 00:49:16.800


Yeah.00:49:16.960 --> 00:49:18.239


Um, so I'm proud of that.00:49:18.480 --> 00:49:21.519


Yeah, there's you know, there's the two different ways of looking at it.00:49:21.679 --> 00:49:25.280


Yeah, I'm also not gonna buy into this bullshit victim mentality that a lot of these kids have.00:49:25.599 --> 00:49:25.840


You can't.00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:27.599


I'm not, and I'm not gonna go there.00:49:27.760 --> 00:49:33.679


Am I gonna accept responsibility for my part, which is what you do in any relationship, because I'm gonna tell you we all have a part.00:49:34.159 --> 00:49:36.960


Even the other person is super wrong, we still have our part.00:49:37.360 --> 00:49:46.480


And no matter no matter how you did it, how much you tried, or how little you tried, you could have always done less and you could have always done more.00:49:46.719 --> 00:49:47.119


Absolutely.00:49:47.360 --> 00:49:47.760


You know what?00:49:47.840 --> 00:49:50.400


And I think I think that that's a lot of things that we have to deal with.00:49:50.480 --> 00:49:52.559


Our our parents, our childhood.00:49:52.800 --> 00:49:59.039


We have to admit that with the except for the extreme crazy outliers of true like psychopathy or whatnot.00:49:59.119 --> 00:50:02.239


Yeah, um, our parents bid did the best they could with what they had.00:50:02.960 --> 00:50:07.679


At some point, if we have trauma from it, deal with it, face it, get over it.00:50:07.760 --> 00:50:09.039


But like, don't we?00:50:09.519 --> 00:50:10.960


That's what made you strong, you know.00:50:11.280 --> 00:50:11.760


I think it's a good thing.00:50:11.920 --> 00:50:25.599


But it's also it's also you can't um live up to expectations of like because you said everything's evolving, so you can't live up to expectations of how things are today with how you did it 10 years, 15 years ago.00:50:25.840 --> 00:50:45.119


Not to make excuses, but like it's it's like my dad went back with one of my brothers like this like 10-15 years ago to like back to the village where he grew up, and all of a sudden he starts yelling in his dialect, which my brother can't understand, to the sheep herder.00:50:45.679 --> 00:50:52.079


Just you're a villager in Iran, like just herding sheep, and my brother's like, What are you doing?00:50:52.159 --> 00:50:52.639


What are you doing?00:50:52.800 --> 00:50:55.760


And he's just like, Oh, I went to elementary school with him.00:50:55.920 --> 00:51:31.119


And we're just like thinking of like how, like, okay, we thought, like, we're accomplished, we we went, we all became successful after not doing too well early on in school and stuff, and like a whole family of physicians, but then like was that easier scripted than my dad going from a village in Iran, my mom from another village in Iran to eventually Tehran to the US, then raising a family of four four physicians.00:51:31.280 --> 00:51:33.920


Yeah, like oh, maybe we had it easy.00:51:34.159 --> 00:51:38.400


So but there's always somebody who had it easier, there's always somebody who had it harder.00:51:38.480 --> 00:51:38.559


Yeah.00:51:38.800 --> 00:51:48.559


That's also, you know, another dialect that we can get to, which again talks to like acceptance and awareness and all of those things and connection.00:51:48.800 --> 00:51:53.039


And again, connection means different things to different people, right?00:51:53.119 --> 00:51:57.280


That's the attachment styles and things that we were referencing and and things earlier.00:51:57.440 --> 00:51:59.440


It's really about making that ultimate connection.00:51:59.519 --> 00:52:05.679


I mean, you guys are very different personalities, it seems, right?00:52:05.760 --> 00:52:10.159


Like obviously very close, very brothers, like, but at the end of the day, do both.00:52:10.400 --> 00:52:11.280


Oh, that is cute.00:52:11.599 --> 00:52:12.559


That was really cute.00:52:12.639 --> 00:52:13.599


I love that.00:52:13.920 --> 00:52:14.960


That was awesome.00:52:15.119 --> 00:52:24.079


Um, but but at the end of the day, no matter what your personality is, is it important for you to have special relationships with people, to be loved by people, to be wanted by people?00:52:24.400 --> 00:52:25.039


Absolutely.00:52:25.280 --> 00:52:26.400


Certain people, yeah.00:52:26.719 --> 00:52:27.360


Correct.00:52:27.920 --> 00:52:28.480


Correct.00:52:28.719 --> 00:52:29.039


Correct.00:52:29.280 --> 00:52:33.440


Not all, but but but that that's that's one thing we uh share in common.00:52:33.519 --> 00:52:43.599


There's certain people that like it really doesn't matter, so it doesn't affect us, but the people closest to us, we want to make sure that yeah, like they're they're happy.00:52:43.760 --> 00:53:03.760


We might like we don't respond to certain questions or when people are yelling at us, because one thing, we either care enough about you and we know our responses aren't gonna make a difference, or we really don't give a shit about what you say or what your opinion is.00:53:04.159 --> 00:53:05.440


So we're gonna stay silent.00:53:05.679 --> 00:53:29.360


But if if the moment arises where I could be either well, pretty much helpful, because we really don't like even like you hear about surgeons and stuff yelling the OR, we like I did it like two months ago for the first time in like five years, but like we were like the emergency CO people even in the operating room.00:53:29.599 --> 00:53:43.679


So well, I almost got fired multiple times in my general surgery days because they thought I couldn't be a leader because I wouldn't yell at the students that would come or the lower residents than me.00:53:44.000 --> 00:53:57.280


And my way of teaching was I'm gonna teach you behind the back door, and you're gonna learn from and I scored the highest like year after year on all all our in-service exams and everything.00:53:57.519 --> 00:54:04.079


And like I even had my attendings asking me how they should have answered some of the questions when they were taking their boards.00:54:04.880 --> 00:54:14.880


And you know, but like year after year they tried to fire me uh because they were like, I don't think you know how to be a leader, you're not teaching these kids.00:54:15.039 --> 00:54:17.199


And I had read every book.00:54:17.280 --> 00:54:20.639


I've I would teach the everyone behind closed doors.00:54:20.719 --> 00:54:26.559


I didn't want to like make them look like idiots in front of the other physicians or the attendings.00:54:26.719 --> 00:54:29.360


I was like, I'm gonna do it where they need to do it.00:54:29.440 --> 00:54:40.159


And like, you know, we'd have grand rounds and whatever, and like the teach the my attendings would ask me questions and I would prove them wrong and what I did.00:54:40.480 --> 00:54:46.719


And like it was continuous, it was it was kind of traumatizing because I'm like, I didn't do anything wrong.00:54:46.960 --> 00:54:50.239


Like my my advisor would be like, What's wrong with you?00:54:50.400 --> 00:54:55.679


I'm like, dude, I look at my exam scores, look at my operative skills.00:54:56.320 --> 00:55:06.800


I'm not presenting cases that I did wrong things for the like idiotic things over and over again, and they've presented the same thing like multiple times.00:55:06.960 --> 00:55:09.119


I'm like, I don't have that record.00:55:09.360 --> 00:55:13.119


They don't like me because I'm one thing I'm Middle Eastern.00:55:13.280 --> 00:55:16.960


Um, second thing, I'm quiet, and my wife thinks I'm on the spectrum.00:55:17.119 --> 00:55:20.639


So it's like but like you know, others do too.00:55:20.880 --> 00:55:26.800


But like when when they saw the exams, they'd be like, uh, but there's a stereotype, right?00:55:26.880 --> 00:55:29.920


There's a stereotype that goes with surgeons, with different doctors.00:55:30.159 --> 00:55:33.199


Stereotypes are based off of some fundamental truths.00:55:33.360 --> 00:55:34.000


Oh, yeah, right.00:55:34.159 --> 00:55:37.039


It doesn't mean that everyone every tool's that way.00:55:37.920 --> 00:55:40.000


Stereotypes are are for a reason.00:55:40.559 --> 00:55:46.480


Yeah, it's not just a stereotype, it it's just it's built with time like throughout history.00:55:46.639 --> 00:55:54.239


Like anybody that knows anything about like if you go one generation, two generations back, like that's what a surgeon is supposed to act like.00:55:54.400 --> 00:55:55.599


Yeah, and throw instruments.00:55:56.000 --> 00:55:59.599


It's kind of gone away because like because it's not, well, it's now it's just not acceptable.00:55:59.760 --> 00:56:01.199


No, like that's not the way that you've got to be able to do it.00:56:01.519 --> 00:56:02.000


People get fired.00:56:02.320 --> 00:56:04.159


Yeah, people will get fired now, but they didn't used to.00:56:04.320 --> 00:56:11.199


I've been working with my dad, was a doctor, I have several family members, and I mean I've had 50, 60 doctors working with me in any given time.00:56:11.440 --> 00:56:11.760


Not just that.00:56:12.719 --> 00:56:13.840


That gave better results.00:56:14.079 --> 00:56:16.239


Yeah, who can that would have been prevalent right in time?00:56:16.880 --> 00:56:19.280


I if I I have said it a hundred times.00:56:20.159 --> 00:56:24.639


If I want a surgeon, like I want a surgeon almost with a not a great bedside manner.00:56:24.719 --> 00:56:28.719


Yeah, like come, I don't need a small talk with you, don't do it.00:56:28.880 --> 00:56:32.719


And secondary, all of my physicians, I want to be on the spectrum.00:56:32.800 --> 00:56:35.199


I'm not even kidding you, at some way, shape, or form.00:56:35.360 --> 00:56:38.559


Because there is a true absolute brilliance to that.00:56:39.119 --> 00:56:41.199


I will I will tell you one thing.00:56:41.920 --> 00:56:47.440


You should, as a patient, seek a physician with the best bedside manner.00:56:47.679 --> 00:56:52.960


I know that because we'll give you insight into their whole thought process.00:56:53.199 --> 00:56:53.440


Yeah.00:56:53.679 --> 00:56:58.719


Because at least like you have to connect with them when you're communicating with them.00:56:58.880 --> 00:57:10.000


And if someone comes in there and you just cannot get along with them, and then you have a serious medical issue, yeah, then you gotta deal with them, then it's just like becomes tough to it's it's horrible.00:57:10.320 --> 00:57:24.079


So, like in this day and age, you need to have good bedside manners no matter what what's going on, even if the patients like going off the rails, whatever, you you need to know to like just step away.00:57:24.320 --> 00:57:25.840


Do you guys fire patients?00:57:26.400 --> 00:57:28.639


Um rarely.00:57:28.960 --> 00:57:37.039


But with my brother had a patient that said, Oh, this might be showing I show it to all my physicians just to make sure I get good care of me.00:57:37.599 --> 00:57:38.079


A gun?00:57:38.320 --> 00:57:38.639


Yeah.00:57:38.880 --> 00:57:39.039


Oh.00:57:39.360 --> 00:57:41.119


Actually, he showed him a shank too.00:57:41.360 --> 00:57:45.280


He showed him a shank and said he takes his gun to this dentist.00:57:46.000 --> 00:57:49.599


Yeah, so he was just like, um, he's not comfortable seeing you.00:57:50.159 --> 00:57:53.599


And he's like, he's like a year and a half, two years out of training.00:57:53.840 --> 00:57:54.480


He's fresh out.00:57:55.039 --> 00:57:55.599


What does he do?00:57:55.840 --> 00:57:57.199


He's occurplastics.00:57:57.440 --> 00:58:02.239


Oh, and he's like, he's like, hey, I got something weird to tell you.00:58:02.320 --> 00:58:03.599


And he brings up this story.00:58:03.760 --> 00:58:04.480


He's like, what should I?00:58:04.639 --> 00:58:05.599


I'm like, I wouldn't see the guy.00:58:05.920 --> 00:58:06.639


I would not see that guy.00:58:07.039 --> 00:58:07.760


No, absolutely not.00:58:07.920 --> 00:58:09.360


Would you fire a patient?00:58:09.760 --> 00:58:16.800


I have, I but I've taken like like have I actually?00:58:16.960 --> 00:58:19.440


No, I would, I would definitely fire a patient.00:58:21.039 --> 00:58:21.119


Right?00:58:21.280 --> 00:58:22.639


Like you're not all cash-based.00:58:22.880 --> 00:58:25.679


We do a lot of breast reconstruction for breast cancer patients.00:58:25.920 --> 00:58:31.679


We do spine and scalp recon, some lower like leg uh reconstruction, too.00:58:32.320 --> 00:58:39.119


Um we we try to weed that out by not doing operations on the wrong people.00:58:39.360 --> 00:58:54.880


Yeah, we just pretty much like tell them because when I first started, I did office share with another um plastic surgeon that he and he died like within the first six months of me being in practice, and I was good friends with a guy.00:58:55.199 --> 00:59:10.719


And like his patients, there were a lot of crazy ones, but um I said I wouldn't, you know, I stopped seeing them, but I saw him for a little bit and I was like, I was like, all right, there's almost no operation.00:59:10.800 --> 00:59:13.760


I you know, he had done tons of operations on him.00:59:13.840 --> 00:59:20.239


I'm like, I'm not touching so that that way, but like really firing patients, it would take a lot.00:59:20.559 --> 00:59:32.559


Like they would have to be completely unreasonable, and for them to be that unreasonable post-operatively, we I I'd say we do a good job at catching most of them pre-operatively.00:59:32.719 --> 00:59:44.159


So, like, because you you look out for things to be like um either unrealistic expectations or like unrealistic drive, like, why are you getting this done?00:59:44.559 --> 00:59:46.320


There's two things to look out for.00:59:46.400 --> 00:59:50.639


It's like some of the patients come in and complain about other plastic surgeons.00:59:50.960 --> 00:59:53.599


And and you you you gotta look at the results.00:59:53.760 --> 00:59:57.280


Sometimes the results are botched and you're like, all right, I can help you out.00:59:57.679 --> 01:00:07.280


Others, you know, they they had A decent job, but they they talk it they talk way worse than what was actually done about the plastic surgeon.01:00:07.360 --> 01:00:09.760


Then you're like, all right, this is kind of questionable.01:00:10.079 --> 01:00:11.440


Probably don't want to operate on them.01:00:11.760 --> 01:00:12.000


So yeah.01:00:12.320 --> 01:00:21.360


In hospice, I mean, because we were Medicare, I we had very strict rules about what we could do when we could discharge a patient, but we were able to get everybody pretty under control.01:00:21.679 --> 01:00:26.480


I had I had one funny guy lived by himself, crotch the old dude.01:00:26.639 --> 01:00:28.480


I did the intake on this one for some reason.01:00:28.559 --> 01:00:29.119


I don't know why.01:00:29.280 --> 01:00:31.440


He was over on the he was over on the west side.01:00:31.599 --> 01:00:36.480


And I mean, there was the United States flag, the Confederate flag outside.01:00:36.639 --> 01:00:39.519


I walk in, he's got guns all over the place.01:00:39.760 --> 01:00:42.480


He's just hanging out, smoking his cigarettes, knows he's gonna die.01:00:42.639 --> 01:00:45.679


Had a group, use the F-word, every other word, loved him, right?01:00:45.760 --> 01:00:46.719


But I was like, okay.01:00:47.039 --> 01:00:48.960


So I get out there, I sign his team.01:00:49.119 --> 01:00:57.199


The nurse calls me or calls into the administrator, and I eventually hear about it like after the first visit, like, hey, not really comfortable with all the guns around the table.01:00:57.599 --> 01:01:01.360


Then, so he advises her to have the conversation, no problem.01:01:01.519 --> 01:01:04.000


Now he decides that it's cool when everybody comes over.01:01:04.079 --> 01:01:05.599


This is about two weeks in.01:01:05.840 --> 01:01:11.840


And um so we have our nurse going in, our chaplain, our social worker, our certified nursing assistants.01:01:12.000 --> 01:01:13.840


You get a lot of you know visits throughout the day.01:01:14.000 --> 01:01:17.599


Now his new thing is he doesn't wear clothes, but he has a little hand towel over him, right?01:01:17.760 --> 01:01:20.159


But he's got his a gun or this or whatever.01:01:20.320 --> 01:01:22.239


And so how old is he roughly?01:01:22.960 --> 01:01:23.519


70s?01:01:23.760 --> 01:01:24.960


Oh, yeah, late 70s.01:01:25.119 --> 01:01:25.280


Okay.01:01:25.519 --> 01:01:31.280


So there had been several people that had talked to him, and he was nice enough, but he's he's crass.01:01:31.440 --> 01:01:33.760


Like he'd be like, you know, it's my fing house, I can do it.01:01:34.000 --> 01:01:35.360


I do you cuss on this or no?01:01:35.599 --> 01:01:35.920


Oh, yeah.01:01:36.639 --> 01:01:36.880


Oh, okay.01:01:37.280 --> 01:01:37.519


Yeah.01:01:37.760 --> 01:01:42.000


He's like, it's my house, I can do whatever I want, blah, blah, blah, blah.01:01:42.320 --> 01:01:47.840


So fine, it gets it gets to a point where I call him because he needed us, and and I just I do, I love people.01:01:48.079 --> 01:01:52.000


And I call him and I knew how to talk to him, and I said, We're gonna use the name Randy.01:01:52.079 --> 01:01:52.960


That was not his name.01:01:53.119 --> 01:01:55.440


And I said, Randy, it's Tiana.01:01:55.760 --> 01:02:00.000


And he says, Holy fucking shit, Tiana, I fucking love your people.01:02:00.159 --> 01:02:01.840


They're the best people that have ever been.01:02:01.920 --> 01:02:03.119


There's this, there's that.01:02:03.679 --> 01:02:04.960


I mean, that's just the way he talks.01:02:05.039 --> 01:02:07.440


And I said, I am so glad to hear that, Randy.01:02:07.519 --> 01:02:08.320


Do me a favor.01:02:08.400 --> 01:02:09.039


And he goes, What?01:02:09.199 --> 01:02:14.639


And I said, put the guns away and put your dick away and be respectful to my team, and we don't have any problems.01:02:14.800 --> 01:02:15.280


You hear me?01:02:15.360 --> 01:02:16.639


And he's like, Okay.01:02:17.519 --> 01:02:18.320


And that was it.01:02:18.639 --> 01:02:20.480


But you know, you just have to kind of get there.01:02:20.559 --> 01:02:27.519


But sometimes it's hard to get that respect, whether it's like nurses, even female physicians see that a lot.01:02:27.760 --> 01:02:38.960


They're just like, you you don't tell me what to do, like and like Sarah being a physical therapist, it's like, well, they listen to you a different way being a physician than they do therapists.01:02:39.199 --> 01:02:41.039


So yeah, I was the owner of the company.01:02:41.199 --> 01:02:41.679


Yeah, yeah.01:02:41.760 --> 01:02:43.840


But I don't even know if he knew that, but it didn't matter.01:02:44.000 --> 01:02:45.599


But I I can get I can get rough.01:02:46.159 --> 01:02:46.880


I can get rough.01:02:47.119 --> 01:02:55.119


I mean, you yeah, some some of the weird weird patients like that we'd get like I'm like, just charge them more.01:02:55.280 --> 01:02:58.079


And that doesn't work.01:02:58.239 --> 01:02:58.800


That doesn't work.01:02:59.760 --> 01:03:04.320


Because they pay right, they pay more and actually they're actually more happy.01:03:04.480 --> 01:03:04.880


Yeah, yeah.01:03:05.039 --> 01:03:06.480


What do we what do we need to cover here?01:03:06.639 --> 01:03:07.440


I don't have no idea.01:03:07.519 --> 01:03:08.079


Whatever we're talking about.01:03:08.239 --> 01:03:11.280


Because your guys' podcast, so you told me I just want to make sure you've got what you can use.01:03:12.079 --> 01:03:13.039


You got stuff you can use.01:03:13.360 --> 01:03:14.719


Yeah, we we use all of it.01:03:15.039 --> 01:03:15.280


That's good.01:03:15.360 --> 01:03:19.440


Yeah, I in in my business, I couldn't wait until I went to cash pay businesses so I could fire people.01:03:19.679 --> 01:03:19.840


Yeah.01:03:20.239 --> 01:03:26.480


You got you eventually have to when you just like just like uh I I either go cash pay or I lose money.01:03:26.719 --> 01:03:28.639


Yeah, but I would fire referral sources.01:03:28.880 --> 01:03:42.239


So if doctors or facilities were nasty to my nurses or didn't take good care of patients, when I got to the point where I was big enough where I was sustainable and I didn't have to take those referrals anymore, because you know, I was you're out begging for business in the beginning.01:03:42.320 --> 01:03:43.440


That was a that was a big turn.01:03:43.920 --> 01:03:50.400


That's the whole thing about like it's still a small business, it's not like a large corporation, you're still running a small business.01:03:50.719 --> 01:03:51.760


Yeah, you gotta know everybody.01:03:53.519 --> 01:04:02.639


You have to appease, whether it's like your referral base, patient base, because like obviously if you're not treating your patients well, you people aren't gonna refer to you.01:04:02.719 --> 01:04:08.719


Yeah, or if you're not being responsive to your referral base, they're not gonna send you patients, blah, blah, blah.01:04:08.960 --> 01:04:11.599


Um, so it it's it's multifactorial.01:04:11.760 --> 01:04:21.440


It's I I personally think it's more difficult than like actually running a restaurant, even though people are like, oh, most restaurants go out of business.01:04:21.599 --> 01:04:24.880


I I keep joking around I worked in restaurants for eight years.01:04:24.960 --> 01:04:32.559


Yeah, like I I want to own a restaurant just to say but now the restaurant employment's a lot easier than employment and like plastic surgery.01:04:32.800 --> 01:04:34.000


Well, it's the same price point.01:04:34.559 --> 01:04:37.840


We have the we have the it's the same, it's the same demographic.01:04:38.159 --> 01:04:39.119


Employment is just hard.01:04:39.280 --> 01:04:42.880


Well, that's uh the restaurants have a hard time because they get over their head with um overhead.01:04:43.039 --> 01:04:44.639


Yeah, it's just mismanagement.01:04:45.199 --> 01:04:56.960


It's always mismanagement of like pretty much supply and demand, offer too many things, they don't keep track of stuff in the back of the house, things get ruined all the time.01:04:57.280 --> 01:04:58.239


Yeah, but let me ask you this.01:04:58.320 --> 01:05:00.159


So you guys are in your own practices now?01:05:00.320 --> 01:05:02.480


Yeah, yeah, and it's is it together or separate?01:05:02.559 --> 01:05:03.039


Yeah, you have your own.01:05:04.239 --> 01:05:08.960


Okay, there are very few doctors who actually are decent businessmen.01:05:09.119 --> 01:05:09.840


Yeah, right?01:05:10.079 --> 01:05:11.039


Have you encountered that?01:05:11.280 --> 01:05:23.920


They they say that, and on the same hand, like the physicians almost like athletes, because like you go through so many years of not making any money, yeah, that you don't know how to manage money, and that's never taught.01:05:24.239 --> 01:05:24.880


You shouldn't.01:05:25.039 --> 01:05:32.800


And this is what the beauty of that is is that one of the most brilliant things my daddy always said to me is you don't have to know everything, you have to know the people that do.01:05:33.199 --> 01:05:42.320


Where people fail in business, yeah, because this is what I do now, is I translate it and I help people start businesses or grow or sell or whatever, they try to do too many things.01:05:42.480 --> 01:05:45.599


Like when you get to now, when you open a first business, you're doing everything, right?01:05:45.760 --> 01:05:52.639


Yeah, the smartest thing you can do as you start to grow is to offload either the things that you're not good at or that you don't like.01:05:52.880 --> 01:06:00.400


And the thing that you can do better than anybody else, which is which is also often front-facing, yeah, because nobody's gonna care about your business the way it is.01:06:00.480 --> 01:06:04.960


Yeah, let everybody else take care of that, let them take care of the finances, the ordering, the this, the that.01:06:05.280 --> 01:06:08.239


But that's tough also, because you can like hemorrhage money for the money.01:06:08.480 --> 01:06:14.960


You can hemorrhage money and you can have extortion and you can have um people that are stealing from you and all that stuff that always happens to be.01:06:16.159 --> 01:06:28.719


But like plastics, the thing different about being a plastic surgeon is unless you're an academic, which we're not, in private practice, you kind of need to be an entrepreneur and a businessman.01:06:28.960 --> 01:06:33.199


You you gotta figure out the ways to like get through market.01:06:33.440 --> 01:06:40.800


You you learn a lot of things about a lot of different things, but like also like you know, we just want to operate.01:06:40.960 --> 01:07:13.519


And like that's what you know, my wife gets mad because she runs our practice and she's like, you know, she wants us to do a little more, but like, you know, I I do take time to interview my employees and make sure like I go through everyone's resumes and I'm like, all right, these are the ones to interview, and like you know, they go through a different, you know, they have virtual virtual interview, in-person interview, and then we make sure they work with our team while we bring them in for a work and interview before hiring them.01:07:13.760 --> 01:07:24.159


And like I think that's made a huge difference in like the group of people that we keep in the office, and it's just made a better work atmosphere for us.01:07:24.480 --> 01:07:27.119


But like, yeah, business so much better to degree.01:07:27.440 --> 01:07:35.199


The thing is for us, the the only thing I see is like, yeah, we could add other physicians and stuff, but like to kind of try to.01:07:35.599 --> 01:07:50.880


I'm like classic surgery makes us decent money where we can feed other businesses that could be automatic for us rather than you know, yeah, rather than you know, I think trying to grow the just like our plastic surgery office.01:07:51.039 --> 01:07:59.280


I don't know, part of it's I grew the group to five-person group without my two brothers in it previously.01:07:59.599 --> 01:08:03.760


And that kind of you know, once we split, that kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.01:08:03.920 --> 01:08:05.280


Then I'm like, I don't really want to do that.01:08:05.440 --> 01:08:07.599


Well, the dynamics are different, the dynamics are different.01:08:08.079 --> 01:08:26.640


But it's also like the scalability, the scalability and like how much money you could make using your funds to put into different investments, as long as you're smart with investing and stuff, that's probably higher than putting your funds towards hiring additional people and trying to grow the practice.01:08:27.039 --> 01:08:28.560


But see, that goes back to your purpose.01:08:28.720 --> 01:08:36.479


Like if your heart is full and you are happy because you're getting to operate all day, you're making enough money, the dynamics of your office is good.01:08:36.640 --> 01:08:43.840


And by the way, because you are being able to stay focused on what you like to do, you can offset your money to make money other places instead of having to scale.01:08:44.079 --> 01:08:45.359


That's still that's your purpose.01:08:45.520 --> 01:08:49.039


Yeah, and but there's people who are like, I want a 10 physician practice.01:08:49.439 --> 01:08:49.920


I want that.01:08:50.000 --> 01:08:50.880


Well, that's their purpose.01:08:51.119 --> 01:08:53.279


That's what I wanted, and it's kind of gone away.01:08:54.159 --> 01:08:55.760


I've I've lost all drive for that.01:08:56.079 --> 01:09:01.840


Every time I'm like, Oh, we're building up this much, we we should add a physician, do this, and like, yeah.01:09:02.159 --> 01:09:26.720


I may want to add one person just to keep uh like I think we need to, but other than that, like I'm like, I'm gonna do it.